green_violet on Revelife

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The more I tried, the harder it is for me to let go of bad habits. Instead of letting the Holy Spirit work in me, I tried to do it myself. The result is that I failed. Not just once, but over and over and over. A never ending cycle. Now, it would have ended if I had let the Holy Spirit work in me, but that is not what happen. Instead, I've been fooling myself into believing and thinking that the Holy Spirit is working in me when I was the one trying to do it all myself. I didn't let the Holy Spirit work in me, I just fooled and lied to myself that the Spirit is. I only realized that now and I asked that the Holy Spirit will enlighten me in my erroneous way of thinking.

Can I honestly not be bias...?

Recently, I've been asking myself this question: "Can I honestly not be bias, hypocritical, judgemental, etc when being called on to stand firm in my beliefs?" The answer that I came up with was "NO". No matter how much I say that I am not bias, etc, somewhere deep in my heart and mind there is always a feeling, a thought, that tells me otherwise.

Being Held Back By My Own Fear

During today readings, I became teary while listening to the readings. At the same time, I realized that I always get teary listening to the readings each Palm Sunday ever since I opened up and asked God to guide me. Especially when reading the parts in Bible describing the events that take place leading to and after Jesus death, I would cry. I would cry just like when my grandma died when I was 7. She was the one person I felt closest as child. I couldn't keep the emotions in, they just burst out like a water balloon that burst when it can't contain the incoming water. There was no way to contain these overflowing feelings. My heart felt like it's being stabbed over and over.
I don't know any other way to not let myself go through this other than not reading the Bible. As much as I want to motivate myself to read the words of God, I am afraid of letting myself go through this again. What I may actually be afraid of is having a deep and intimate relationship with God. My soul wants this kind of relationship with God, but my heart and mind just can't seems to fully let go of the fear and walk toward God and His voice.

Am I Selfish?

I've been having conversations with myself quite a lot regarding the question of whether I am selfish or not when trying to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, the Saints, etc., I don't always succeed though. I go off on a detour more often than not. Let's begin with MY definition of selfish:
Selfish is something a person do for their own satisfaction or benefit regardless of whether someone else also benefit from that action or get the bad end of the deal.
With that said, I've been questioning myself whether helping others through material goods or time is selfish. It doesn't matter if I have thoughts of doing it to be able to earn my way into heaven, to satisfy my own ego, or unintentionally helping others while doing that or not. If I didn't have that thought at the moment, it will eventually reveal itself to me afterward even though a period of time has passed by. When this happen, I began to think that I am being selfish because I am doing it to satisfy myself. This lead to thoughts that says whatever I do, I will always be selfish and can never get away from this selfishness. Maybe there's SOMETHING WRONG with MY DEFINITION?

A request answered

A few years ago, I asked God to allow me to see my Grandma before she passes away. This December, after school is done for the semester, I will be able to do just that. I don't that it is a coincidence that this opportunity presented itself because I also got a job and the people there are pretty nice. I wasn't looking for a job, but this opportunity also presented itself. I didn't get this job on my own, however, a job is still a job. I am sure God has something to do with this and one of my bestfriend was a part of it. She could have asked anyone else who has the experiences needed for this kind of job and she knows quite a lot of people, but I was asked instead. I am just thankful that God is answering my request and is also taking care of me at the same time, not that He hasn't been doing so (taking care of me that is).